A PSYCHOLOGIST SHARES HER 8- STEP RESCUE PLAN FOR MARRIAGE PROBLEMS.

About the Author

Susan Heitler, Ph.D., is the author of many books, including From Conflict to Resolution and The Power of Two. She is a graduate of Harvard University and New York University.

I am a psychologist who specializes in marriage rescue for couples facing marriage problems.  When couples first contact me formarriage help, they typically feel distressed and even hopeless about their relationship. If they can look back and remember earlier good times however, that usually signals a marriage that can be saved.  In fact, this kind of marriage has potential to become the kind of partnership the couple had hoped for when they said, "I do." 

What transitions couples from desperation about their difficulties to delight in sharing their lives together?  Here’s the 8-step pathway along which I guide my therapy clients, and which you are welcome to take as well. 

1. Make a list of all the issues about which you have disagreements, including the issues that you refrain from talking about out of fear that talking might lead to arguing.

Your self-help treatment will be complete when you have found mutually agreeable solutions to all of these issues, and also have learned the skills to resolve new issues as they arise with similarly win-win solutions. 

If the list seems interminable because you fight about everything from time of day to where to live, odds are the problem is less that you are facing some challenging differences, and more that your manner of talking with each other needs a major upgrade.

2. Fix your focus solidly on yourself.  Attempts to get your partner to change invite defensiveness.  No one likes being told they're doing things wrong or, far worse, that they are a bad person.   Better by far for both of you each to use your energies and intelligence to figure out what YOU could do differently.

Here's a question that can get you started.  What would enable you to stay loving and good-humored even if the frustrating pieces in your spouse’s repertoire never get an upgrade?  That's how to become “self-centered” in the best sense.  If both of you are seeking to do your own upgrades, the marriage will blossom.

3. Cut the crap (Pardon please my language).  The point is that negative muck that you give each other is totally unhelpful.  It only taints a positive relationship.  That means no more criticism, complaints, blame, accusations, anger, sarcasm, mean digs, snide remarks, …. get it? 

No more anger escalations either.  Stay in the calm zone.  Exit early and often if either of you is beginning to get heated.  Learn to calm yourself,  and then re-engage cooperatively.

Research psychologist John Gottman has found that marriages generally survive if the ratio of good to bad interactions is 5 to 1.  Do you want to barely survive?  Or do you want to save the marriage in a way that will make it thrive?  If thriving is your goal, aim for 100,000,000:1.  That means, don’t sling mud at all.  Cut the crap.

4. Learn how to express concerns constructively.  A simple way to do that in sensitive conversations is to stick with the following four sentence-starter options.  In my clinical work I call these "the pink sheet." I hand it out (printed on pink paper) to couples for them to use in  discussions on topics that they know could be prickly.  

I feel (followed by a one-word feeling such as anxious, sad, etc) …

My concern is ………..

I would like to … [note, NEVER use "I would like you to …."]

How would you feel about that?  or,What's your thoughts on that?

5. Learn how to make decisions cooperatively.  I call collaborativedecision-making the “win-win waltz.”  

The goal of win-win is a plan of action that pleases you both.  No more aiming to “get your way.”  Instead, when you have differences, express your underlying concerns, listen to your partner’s concerns, and create a solution responsive to all the concerns of both of you.

Practice this skill on all the issues you listed in step 1.  You may be amazed at how even on the issues that seemed so intractable you really can find solutions that will work for both of you.

6. Eliminate the three A’s that ruin marriages.

Affairs, Addictions, and excessive Anger are deal-breakers.  They are out-of-bounds in a healthy marriage.  Game over. 

If you are indulging in one of these self-defeating and relationship-destroying habits, get help and get it out of your life. 

If your spouse has these problems, saving this kind of marriage could be a mistaken goal.  Better to end a marriage than to tolerate these bad habits.  However, the ideal is for the two of you both to commit to building a new kind of marriage, a marriage where there are zero affairs, addictions or excessive anger and instead lots of love and trust.

So end the old marriage.  Build a new one with the same partner.

7.  Radically increase the positive energies you give your partner. 

Smile more. Touch more. Hug more.  More “eye kisses.”  More sex. More shared time and shared projects. More appreciation.  More dwelling on what you like about your partner.

Respond more often with agreement in response to things your partner says that in the past  you might have answered with “But…”. Listening is loving, especially when you are listening to take in information, not to show what's wrong with what your partner says or to show that you know more.

Help out more.  Give more praise and more gratitude.  Do more fun activities together.  Laugh and joke more, do new things and go new places together. 

The best things in life really are free.  And the more positives you give, the more you’ll get.

I wrote above about Gottman's 5:1 ratio.  Increasing the positives is every bit as important as decreasing negatives to hit a 100,000,000:1 ratio.

8. Look back at your parents' marriagestrengths and weaknesses.  Decide what you want to do differently.  

When people marry they bring along a recording in their head of how theirparents treated each other, and also how they were treated by their parents.  These relationships are where folks learn patterns of interacting for intimate relationships.  Decide consciously what to keep from your folks and what to do differently.

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QUESTION OF THE DAY

Armed Robbers entered a house, asked for all the money and valuables.
After they've collected all they wanted they gave the man of the house a gun with instructions to shoot his wife or else he would shoot himself.
The man got the gun, pointed it at his wife and hesitated.
He wass thinking of what he had gone through in life with his wife and how she had suffered and sacrificed for him.

He handed back the gun and said, “I am sorry I can’t do this…

“The boss of the robbers silently grabbed the gun from him and passed it on to the wife with the same instruction.
The wife got the gun and without any hesitation pointed it to her husband’s head and pulled the trigger.
But at last, the gun had no bullets in it. The robbers got their gun
and walked out of the house laughing.

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION

1. If you were the man in that house how would you react towards your
wife?

2. If you were the wife, what explanation can you give to your husband!

3. If you were invited to bring peace between this couple, what advice would you give?

Drop your Comments let's hear from you, let's learn from you.
SHARE THIS POST ON YOUR WALL & SEE THE ANSWERS FROM YOUR FRIENDS.

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WHY KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE AMIDST RELATIONSHIP MISTAKE (MY HOME, MY OWN)

MY HOME, MY OWN.

I was at that point gasping with sweats filled everywhere on my body. Since my body temperature had effectively transcended ordinary. My cerebrum was filtering my mind looking for any single choice as to send driving forces for prompt assignment execution.

Before now, individuals as of now let me know that they've seen my spouses movement and think shes truly undermining me. I've dependably answered them that I would research the matter myself yet I was certain that I was never going to do anything since it was unordinary of me. From the time we strolled down the aisle, I've constantly appreciated my better half and have never minded to listen sideways.

Our marriage however not new has not matured well either. We've had no issue around then however it didn't trouble us. We lived cheerfully together till that extremely portentous evening. I went out, in the morning yet this time not for my standard healing center work but rather an outing to finish a business bargain at Chicago. It was a global travel that needed to take me three to five days of those nostalgic emotions far from home. I set out with my folder case effectively kept in my auto by my significant other who appeared to be some what glad over my takeoff. She went with me to my auto and gave me my farewell kiss, something that had been our typical practice before I leave for work. She stood and watched me with grins all over as I moved gradually till I sank into obscurity.

I arrived the air terminal and booked my flight, however about when my time was expected, I got an assemble that the conference was put off to a later date because of an unexpected situation. I was still befuddled and chose to unwind at a VIP bar in the airplane terminal and quiet my self before I set out on my journey back home. On access to the bar, I heard something that seemed like my name, Nzaha, Nzaha, Nzaha. I halted, attempted to listen once more, and afterward continued since my name was Nzagha and not Nzaha. I achieved a vacant table and sited myself serenely to see them pursuing me, yelling and mishandling. Hey! You rascal, you cannot answer me again numbskull. Waooh! , I had an inclination that it was a fantasy yet it was incident. Straightforward was Frank, Jihoo and leemin, my 3 school companions were directly before me. They came the distance from South Korea to see their old buddy.

I meet them at shiniwa secondary school when I won a composition rivalry grant to learn at South Korea. We were tight companions in the school, we never left every others side in whatever circumstance we got ourselves. This welcoming relationship committed individuals error us for siblings, well they were never wrong in any case since we were companions superior to siblings.

I was upbeat yet again when I saw them. We began with our ordinary jokes and chuckled together like it was then in our school days. From that we went into a serous exchange discussing our life after secondary school days.
Frank was at that time a legal counselor, Jihoo too was a specialist like me and lee min had acquired his fathers multi-million oil organization in the wake of contemplating petroleum designing. There was all the while something else, dissimilar to me who was then a family man, none of them had hitched a spouse. They were all the while carrying on with an existence of after this bae, comes the other. When I informed them concerning it they all got to be distinctly intrigued and needed to run with me to my home as to see my better half. I was additionally upbeat and willing to go demonstrate to them my home and feast with them together with my better half sitting by me.

We set out everybody in his own auto. After a few hours drive, we arrived my home. We entered the entryway which was recently open. At that point, we entered the parlors and everyone sited himself serenely. I sat tight a little for my rose to in any event sense that some individual is at the parlors without any result. At that point I walked instantly to the bed room might be she is dozing. The entryway was scarcely bolted and the keys were swinging on the bolt bar. I pushed the entryway. Lo and see, my rose and her sugar kid were on our wedding bed, doing what anybody would censure naturally.

Thinking about what I did?. Yeah You need to know, attempt to place yourself in my shoes; your actions would be as good as mine.
This time I was between the fiend and the dark blue ocean. Appropriate in my front is my significant other gasping vigorously and crying gradually with tears all over and her sweetheart befuddled as like bae didn't you said he's gone for three days global trek. At my back is my companions (universal so far as that is concerned) sitting tight for me to turn out with my significant other so presentation would begin as of now.

The aphorism Nzagha is furious and principled which has practically developed into a banality amongst people quickly jumped out at my checking mind and I felt like Walk in there and demonstrate the them two how wild and principled Nzagha could be. In any case, then an impulse just came without a moment's delay recollecting me that Nzagha is wild and principled as well as shrewd and keen. I understood I needed to secure my dear spouse.

Instantly, I pulled the entryway and bolted the them two with a key in the room perhaps, they can even proceed with their stuff and I left with the key.
In this manner, I recollected my companions who are holding up tensely and how I will cure their nervousness was then another issue. I contemplated this then a thought came up instantly. I drew out my pen since it was my standard practice to dependably put a pen in my shirt and cushion my back pocket with a little journal. I removed a sheet from my pocket journal and composed with an alternate calligraphy.

Dear, just as you cleared out, a message came that mummy is truly sicked out and I have gone to know how they are. A debt of gratitude is in order for your standard comprehension sweetie. 

Your rose "

You wouldn't envision, they cannot hold their anticipation any more and inquiries began coming arbitrarily from all corners as I went along with them at the parlor where is she? What, rapscallion do you wanna astound us?

In any case, then, I instantly demonstrated to them the composed note and we cleared out for no particular reason at ugobia amusement and relaxation resorts.

I attempted my best, however there could even now see I was dull and wasn't completely packed in our good times. They comprehended me, possibly in light of the fact that they thought my wifes mother or my own mom was debilitated. So they offered to relax at an inn while I ought to go home and place things all together.

Good, I ferried home in a rush, as I moved toward the entryway I tip toed to the entryway, I was listening to my significant other, cry and contempt her sugar boy. I heard her said "mmh mmh, youve simply demolished my marriage". I terminated her promptly in my heart saying "is your father's  possess marriage wey go demolish not mine; blockhead.

Right then, I opened the entryway and he as of now already imploring me yet I was never intrigued his request. I just motioned the exit way for him.

My significant other had not by any means sufficiently accumulated fearlessness to try and implore me. She was at that point considering what she would advise her kin on the off chance that I chose to ask her to start packing already.

I knew, I was not going to let her continue with that way since she may murder herself in the midnight.

Firstly I cleared out her to the washroom, had my shower. Spruce up and completely spread in my most alluring cologne.

Next, I came into the room where she was still sited in calm mind-set. I held her near my arms and she felt so chilly since she was at that point expecting either a snappy notice to begin stopping or a repulsive beating of her life, however none of that was the situation.

She was at that point inert in my arms as she felt herself to be useless and valueless at this point. In any case, I knew it was left with me to give her life, light up her way and make her solid.

I began by telling her how the day had went, one episode prompted to another. How my life companions where here and how I needed to bolted them up, encircled a composed note and cooked a deceive ensure her safety. As I was doing this I felt life fill her spirit and quality to her mind. I guaranteed my self that am at the correct track and I was doing it well.

As I talked and whispered, I robbed her delicately in what appeared an Indian romance, I proceeded till she was at that point snoozing.

I woke her up the next morning for our typical commitment she was all the while crying and tears everywhere on her. She still didnt have the fearlessness to considerably murmur So be it(Amen).

I needed to begin again from where I quit attempting to make her vibe safe first with me before I censure her for her disrespect.

At that point when the deed was done I realized that in her heart she wouldn't locate any preferable spouse than she finds in me. I began with my condemn. I told her beginning and end everything that could torment her emotions. I associated with her how individuals let me know that she is a prostitute. I did this however I was still watchful the way I do it.

I knew she was really sorry and beseeched me like her life all relied on upon me. I turned into a divine being to her and she had chosen to do it whichever comes forth. She marshaled the bravery and one thing I adored about Rose, in every one of her pleas, she never blamed even the fallen angel or anybody for what happened. She just focused on making me know how remorseful she was for her activity.

Prepare to have your mind blown.

I held her up and embraced her firmly kissing her; a sign to show I had pardoned her as of now. We fell together in our bed, nestled into what occurred next you shouldnt know.

My companions came the next day and it was a pleasant minute for me. We had a great time minus all potential limitations and I was so glad. We had the fun to the fullest.
From that point, my significant other  took me as her god, loved me and regarded me with her life. I myself, I served her her esteem, gave her every considerations, astonish her most time regarded her guided her and now we are cheerfully hitched for a long time with 4 kids but our romantic life never stops (something a large number of individuals watch and call us the best couple they had always dreamed).
A time came when I understood that I could have ruined my home because of some rash activities that may have guaranteed from my spouse mistake, however when I recall that I built my home them I said graciously Oh! My home, my own.

INSPIRATIONAL

It was just two options:- my home  build it or destroy it.
Natural judgment would vindicate my actions if I had rushed and killed that guy and beat my wife mercilessly vis-à-vis divorced her.
I chosed to build my home and make it my own.
There was only one secret to my achievement;
 Analogically; a pilot swerved up immediately heading another direction when there were almost about to crash. There asked him how he got such a wonderful idea at such moment and took such decision immediately. His reply when I was young, I knew I was going to be a pilot so I asked myself what will you do at a moment like this?, so this decision I didnt make now but when I was still small, I already decided that when something like this happen, I would do it this way.
When Nzagha was young, he knew already that he must surely marry and before I got married I knew I was crossing a boundary of for better for worse, if you hadnt known this, my brother or sister dont even get married cur you arent ready yet. I planned on how I will live my life of for better for worse.
Then was my determination
If I had only decided that way with out my determination, it was just a waste. Before I walked down the aisle I already determined that;

• I was going to love and cherish my wife-for better for worse.
• I was going to make my family for better for worse.
• I was not going to make unnecessary cases because my wife was at faults.
• I was not going to involve a third party; for better for worse i.e. to say that not even my parents will know our internal problems.
• I was not going to violently make my wife respect me. In that I wouldnt beat her mercilessly but I would teach her to respect me by my actions.
• I was going to support my wife and never leave her side; for better for worse.

CONCLUSION
You can see, one incident led to other but I built my home and it wasnt so difficult.
You too can; you can decide not to ruin your marriage because of your partners mistake. You can decide to build your home yourself.
I bet you would always be proud and happy to say oh! My home; my own.

SHARING IS CARING

Sharing is caring, Caring is loving. Let's make humanity safe for ourselves. Share this today and you might save a marriage. 

SHOW YOUR LOVE TO HUMANITY,

SAVE A MARRIAGE- SAVE THE PLANET 

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